Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

I once broke up with a guy because he ate my grilled cheese, and when I get really lonely, I still think about that grilled cheese

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.