If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
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[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.