Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

wait a minute….

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?