Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

That’s what I call a flat tire

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

Mountain Goat : )

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC