Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
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I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
*Gets disqualified for biting opponent’s ear on a chess tournament*
All I want, every day, is to find a derelict spaceship, develop abnormal symptoms & then tell no one.
I put on my pants just like the rest of you, once or twice a month because of an appointment.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE