@junejuly12

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

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@kidnapped_jesus

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

@ramblinma

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

@Bob_Janke

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

@gianni_bcn

*Gets disqualified for biting opponent’s ear on a chess tournament*

@DothTheDoth

All I want, every day, is to find a derelict spaceship, develop abnormal symptoms & then tell no one.

@Big_Cat74

I put on my pants just like the rest of you, once or twice a month because of an appointment.

@Megatronic13

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

@JoParkerBear

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE