10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
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*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
You can’t rush stupid.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?