Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE