Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

My love language is deader than Latin

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.