Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

Managing expectations

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.