[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
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Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah