[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
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How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.