Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACE CAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??

NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

crazy

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree