10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
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A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.