10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
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Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
murder on the timeline
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still