100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
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my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
January is the Mondayest month of the year
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel