100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
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My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I’d love this…lol
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.