100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
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[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?