100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
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You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
thats my bad