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pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Barbie gone wild
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.