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Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I love texting my boyfriend
April 1st is the class clown of days.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.