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One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.