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If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.