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This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
become ungovernable
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.