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[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Day 2 of my diet
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.