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its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
#winning
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!