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WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Howl 😭
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs