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Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”