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I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.