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Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.