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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking