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Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
Always 🥴
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Cat or sheep
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
a wizard dating app called bumbledore