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[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
This rocks
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo