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You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
i think both sides are to blame here
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best