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Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
They got a point!
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.