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Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”