Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.