Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

[the middle of showering] I need a break