10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
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Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?