Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.

Not😆🤣

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

i just found this in my phone

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?