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someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece