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My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Bobby pin
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.