You Might Also Like
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
lol
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me