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Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.