You Might Also Like
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I don’t think my car can fly
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.