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Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.