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ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Ape together strong
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?