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I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
thank god the sign was there
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT