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Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”