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Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.