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I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?