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me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”![]()
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
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‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
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No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs