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I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
#Caturday
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?