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The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
SCARY COSTUME
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People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.