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Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
There’s only one good girl here!
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees