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I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running