You Might Also Like
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Story time
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
wtf is an acronym
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.