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Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
That’s enough internet for the day
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.