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Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Ah yes. The three genders
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
*cough*
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce