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strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Multitask? I can barely unitask
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.