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Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
He instantly became one of the bros
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?