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When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Saturday
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Patient: When I broke my hip, you were there for me.
When I fell, you were there for me.
When I got MRSA you were there for me. And now that I’m dying, here you are again. Do you know what I think of that?
Me: What?
Patient: I think you’re bad luck!
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.