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All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it