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You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
It’s the weekend y’all
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…