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I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
about to have the best blueberries of my life
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
