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The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.