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My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Every
Single
Year
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
People buying plungers never look happy.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
kitchen magnet
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said