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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
a fate I wish upon no one
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
😜
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”