You Might Also Like
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)
cashier: sure that’ll be $25
me: ok
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
My therapist after every session
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.