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If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks