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I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Bike for sale
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?