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me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003