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I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?