10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
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godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.