10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
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Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?